Mommying is Hard
Words most people like to hear.
(back in 2014) When I found out I was pregnant with our second child I was overly excited. Because I had gone through this before I was filled with joy to be blessed enough to be able to experience it all again. Never did it ever cross my mind of any hardship. I was the typical person who felt and prayed for those around me who experienced hardship with family, friends and kids. Never did I believe it would be me. Still even today I still have the thoughts like “I couldn’t handle that, I don’t have enough strength for that, I would enter deep depression, I would fail”. I forget every day that I am dealing with it.
Here’s the deal I strongly believe EVERYONE goes through their own sense of difficulty and or hardship. NO ONE says “my life is perfect and I wouldn’t change a single thing”
Whether you’re a mom of 2, a mom of 10, a mom of 1 or a woman who longs to be a mom, life is hard.
My hardship and my advice:
July 15th 2014 my husband and I went in with our 2 year old son to our 20 week ultra sound. We had been looking forward to this day all 20 weeks. We remembered how fun it was with Eli to watch him for so long play with his toes, and move all around. But this was not the case this time. The Tech was very quiet after she got started. She was very peppy and happy when we first met and started talking, but she quickly become silent and no more smiles. After what felt like forever she asked another technician to come in and “confirm” with what she had found. Another 20 very quiet minutes went by. The technicians wouldn’t tell us anything. After they were done we had to meet with the doctor again. When she started to tell us different things, issues they had found they started by sounding small and ok. “his femur is measuring small” (my thought “ok he’s going to be short” haha) “he has a vertebra that’s not matching up with another one” (she assured me this was really ok) then “we can only find one kidney” (this was a little scarier, seemed like a lot of uncertainty with this detail). Then lastly, the gut punch of all that was the ultimate of unknows “he has 3 very large holes in his heart” after hearing this I think we were trying too hard to believe that it was ok that we decided we wouldn’t freak because he still had so much time to grow and develop.
Well between my fluids getting low and having a 2 vessel ambilocal cord my OB decided I needed to start going to a high-risk office. I was getting an ultra sound every appointment and Jonah’s heart was never improving. These were very hard appointments to hear every week that your sons heart is not in good shape. We had discussed that our next step was to meet the cardiologist who would need to do open heart surgery as soon as he was born. Then we got so late into the pregnancy that we had discussion of doing heart surgery on him while he was in utero still. ALL of this was so difficult and so much weight on our shoulders. We didn’t know what to do, we still hadn’t come up with a decision when I went in for my next appointment. On 10/14/2014 (18 days before his due date) I went back in and had another ultrasound. Ready to hear the same thing “your son has 3 very large holes in his heart” this day was different. The tech seemed even more confused than the others. She left and came back several times during the ultrasound. I knew he was still alive, I could feel him moving I watched as she looked at his heart and found no kidney she was confirming everything we already knew. “your cassandra right” she asks me. “I’m not finding any holes in this little guys heart, is that what you have been told in the past?” I don’t think I even answered her I remember feeling SOOO many different emotions. Happy, sadness, and anger, ANGER! I was ANGRY! Why was I so angry, I was so angry. My gut reaction was that someone messed up. I didn’t react in excitement that my amazing, powerful, all knowing God had healed my son (which is what I now know and believe) I needed someone to blame for making me have a horrible scary pregnancy for NOTHING. Eventually I moved past this anger because I had some one on one time to reflect and realize HE WAS HEALED! We believed that God had formed and created our son the way he intended. Just like Psalm 139:13-16 says for you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Jonah was Born 11/01/2014 with NO! I’ll say it again NO! holes in his heart. He was born and I had a successful VBAC and when the doctor laid him on my chest he latched right on and nursed all by himself! Everything was so perfect.
Jonah was cleaned up and given a quick eval with the many doctors awaiting his arrival (just in case). Everything took a quick 180 after that. All I cared about was that he was healthy but I remember this doctor was so direct and cold about the way she presented herself that she made us feel like it was horrible. “your son is probably deaf, in my opinion he cannot hear out of his right ear and there is low chance with the left side as well” Jonah’s face had some major asymmetricalness and the doctor said right off the bat that we needed to see specialist as soon as we can to figure out what Jonah has.
I didn’t care, I remember thinking, let’s just enjoy this moment that our son is with us and not in heart surgery. So, we continued the hospital stay for the next few days and had lots of appointments ahead of us.
Today I am so happy to tell you that Jonah is happy and healthy. I wouldn’t change a thing that has happened because I know that God has healed Jonah and Jonah has an amazing life ahead of him.
Jonah was later diagnosed with what’s called Goldenhar syndrome. Goldenhar Syndrome is a congenital birth defect which involves deformities of the face. It usually affects one side of the face only. Jonah failed his hearing test at the hospital but I was certain it was wrong because he calmed to the sound of our voices and responded to sounds. So, when I went to the hearing test by myself, well that was a bad idea. “Jonah has severe hearing loss; he’s living in a quiet world” I literally broke down crying in front of this stranger and she hugged me and said it was going to be ok.
While my time is deeply consumed with speech therapy, and different hearing impaired classes, with never-ending specialists who want to see Jonah, Eye doctors, his urologist, his ENT and now a facial specialist while trying to still give my 4-year-old some attention, love and respect my husband and worship Jesus Christ I have a hard time not just throwing in the rag.
All of this has been a huge struggle for me and my husband but I know that there are people dealing with much larger struggles and there are women who so desperately want to be in my shoes.
So, my prayer is that all moms and all women who want to be moms can love on each other. We all have our struggles and some are huge, some are minor and some are tiny. BUT in our personal lives everything feels huge.
Feelings play a large role into being a mom. People don’t tend to remember people but they remember the way people make them feel. Make moms feel like they are doing a good job, help us raise our next generation with joy.
I believe we need to remember that God not only gave us this miraculous miracle of a child but God gave your child you.
YOU are God’s gift to your child.
I am a mommy of 2 little boys and a wife of 1 amazing husband! I love natural living and essential oils. Follow my journey here while I navigate life and make fun stuff with Oils!