August 25th 2017, a date I will always remember.
This was the day our grievances began.
July 10th I took an at home pregnancy test and was please to see the words "pregnant"
With many conversations and announcements to be planned my husband and our 2 boys were beginning to become overwhelmed with joy at the idea of another little family member.
I was pregnant, I was exhausted, taking naps with the littles and morning sickness all day long. then these things started getting better, I wasn't that tired anymore and I for sure wasn't nauseas. I didn't think much about it because at this point I was 9 weeks and I thought well maybe the joyful 2nd trimester was coming early.
I sit and wonder why do I grieve this so much. why do I cry myself to sleep, why do I long for this person I never knew.
I never felt the little flutters of a new life, I never had the uncomfortable nights with hiccups that weren't even mine jolting me awake. I never held this tiny new baby in my arms, I never watched their precious little face sleep while I gaze in awe and love over them. but yet I am heart broken, shattered in pieces wondering what did I do and how could I have done it different?
I went in for my first appointment and to them everything looked great. my HCG levels were high and I hadn't had any cramping or issues. we talked about delivery options and what our pregnancy plans were and I was sent on my way. at the end I begged them for an ultrasound. I wanted to take a cute picture to post on Facebook to announce to all our friends we were expecting baby #3. there it was we saw our little baby and fell instantly in love with her.
HER, we told Eli over and over you are probably going to have another brother and he cried and cried, while telling us in the saddest softest response, no mommy its a baby sister. every time.
August 25th I began to cramp and because my doctor had already told me I was showing signs of a failed pregnancy I knew what was happening. cramp after cramp I realized I was having contractions. this baby was coming.
filled with confusion I questioned, cried and begged God to stop it. I wanted, I needed this baby YOU TOLD ME THE BABY WAS OK
I knew the Lord had provided me with an over whelming amount of peace and I misunderstood. Our baby is ok, our baby is in the Lords arms and being loved for in heaven. but I wasn't willing to accept that.
That night after all was done, I finally fell asleep. I dreamt and dreamt all night in a peaceful, lucid state and all I saw was pink roses. pink rose after pink rose and on and on. I felt and knew from that moment the Lord was telling me "I have your baby girl safe in my arms"
Will I always feel this lonely and or misunderstood, I hope not.
but as we face this journey of grievances right now, I have hope and faith in Christ that we will get through this too.
But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you
I am a mommy of 2 little boys and a wife of 1 amazing husband! I love natural living and essential oils. Follow my journey here while I navigate life and make fun stuff with Oils!