August 25th 2017, a date I will always remember.
This was the day our grievances began.
July 10th I took an at home pregnancy test and was please to see the words "pregnant"
With many conversations and announcements to be planned my husband and our 2 boys were beginning to become overwhelmed with joy at the idea of another little family member.
I was pregnant, I was exhausted, taking naps with the littles and morning sickness all day long. then these things started getting better, I wasn't that tired anymore and I for sure wasn't nauseas. I didn't think much about it because at this point I was 9 weeks and I thought well maybe the joyful 2nd trimester was coming early.
I sit and wonder why do I grieve this so much. why do I cry myself to sleep, why do I long for this person I never knew.
I never felt the little flutters of a new life, I never had the uncomfortable nights with hiccups that weren't even mine jolting me awake. I never held this tiny new baby in my arms, I never watched their precious little face sleep while I gaze in awe and love over them. but yet I am heart broken, shattered in pieces wondering what did I do and how could I have done it different?
I went in for my first appointment and to them everything looked great. my HCG levels were high and I hadn't had any cramping or issues. we talked about delivery options and what our pregnancy plans were and I was sent on my way. at the end I begged them for an ultrasound. I wanted to take a cute picture to post on Facebook to announce to all our friends we were expecting baby #3. there it was we saw our little baby and fell instantly in love with her.
HER, we told Eli over and over you are probably going to have another brother and he cried and cried, while telling us in the saddest softest response, no mommy its a baby sister. every time.
August 25th I began to cramp and because my doctor had already told me I was showing signs of a failed pregnancy I knew what was happening. cramp after cramp I realized I was having contractions. this baby was coming.
filled with confusion I questioned, cried and begged God to stop it. I wanted, I needed this baby YOU TOLD ME THE BABY WAS OK
I knew the Lord had provided me with an over whelming amount of peace and I misunderstood. Our baby is ok, our baby is in the Lords arms and being loved for in heaven. but I wasn't willing to accept that.
That night after all was done, I finally fell asleep. I dreamt and dreamt all night in a peaceful, lucid state and all I saw was pink roses. pink rose after pink rose and on and on. I felt and knew from that moment the Lord was telling me "I have your baby girl safe in my arms"
Will I always feel this lonely and or misunderstood, I hope not.
but as we face this journey of grievances right now, I have hope and faith in Christ that we will get through this too.
But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you
DIY Dry Shampoo: get rid of oily hair ASAP!
Here is my home-made Dry Shampoo that will help you get rid of your oily hair in a flash. As a mom on the go its hard to squeeze a shower in every day and so dry shampoo is a life saver for me on days where I am super busy and on the go. It is a super easy recipe that is really easy to make and very quick to apply/use. Its works so well and leaves my hair smelling great and gets rid of all the oily gross hair. Once you try it this will be a go-to for all you mommas out there that are busy. Here is the process on and recipe below so you can make this! Check it out!
Also, if you just want to buy some of this from me and not deal with making it. You'll have a chance to do that to... Keep Scolling.... :)
Here are all the 100% pure ingredients that you will need in order to get started.
-YL Rosemary Essential Oil (supports hair growth)
-YL Tea Tree Essential Oil (supports cleanliness)
-YL Cedarwood Essential Oil (supports hair growth & cleanliness)
First you start with 1/4 cup of corn starch
Next you add 1 teaspoon of Baking Soda.
*Optional For Darker Hair add 2 table spoons of Cocoa Powder
Next add 2 drops of young livings Rosemary Essential oil, 2 drops of young livings cedar wood essential oil, and 1 drop of young livings tea tree essential oil.
Now mix all of your ingredients well and transfer you final product into a cute shaker, like this one!
Check out the process.... Once you shake it on you will want to rub/comb into your hair and scalp very well.
In a large bowl I mixed together the corn starch and baking soda. If I had dark hair I would also add the cocoa powder here. Then I added the Young Living Essential oils that promote hair growth and cleanliness to the powder mixture. After it is mixed I spoon it into a cute mason jar shaker and keep it in my bathroom for quick use. Works great when I am in a hurry. Check out this video of me and my super cute boys making some of this below! Can you find the error I made? Haha
Am I Enough?
Have you ever had the thought “this is too small, or not good enough?”
For example, have you been in a situation where someone is asking for money to raise for a charity or a family in need and all you have is like $1 maybe $5 and you decide to just not give it because its “not enough.”
Have you ever had the thought “I should text her, I should call her, we should hang out, but I don’t know she probably wouldn’t like me, she probably doesn’t want to deal with my kids, well I can’t relate to her so it probably wouldn’t be good to hang out, she has enough people to tell her she’s amazing I don’t need to.”
ALL OF THIS! I have done!
On a daily basis, I tell myself “it’s too small, it’s not enough”
My head: “the house isn’t clean enough, my kids are patient enough, I didn’t get enough bible reading done today, I didn’t donate to my friends go-fund me, nah I’m not going to text her shell think it’s weird” so on and so on it goes ALL DAY!
Friends this is so wrong. Every little bit counts. For everything.
If that friend who gave me a $5 gift card to Starbucks decided it was too small of a gift I would have never had that nice quiet moment to myself with a hot cup of coffee.
If the 200 people who decided to donate $5 to that go-fund me decided it wasn’t enough, that little girl would have been $1,000 short for her surgery.
In a time of need if my friend didn’t come over and bring me dinner and let me word vomit all over her where would I be emotionally? If she doubted herself and thought I didn’t need her would I have been able to pull through it?
If the little boy with the 5 barley loaves and 2 fish decided it wasn’t enough and kept it for himself Jesus wouldn’t have been able to perform one of the biggest miracles.
So much in our lives we belittle ourselves and think there is something bigger and better out there someone else can offer.
If we are offering nothing to God, he will have nothing to use. BUT here’s the good news friends! God can take what little we have and turn it into something great!
So, my question for us is: How much or any am I giving to God?
What’s holding us back?
Mommying is Hard
Words most people like to hear.
(back in 2014) When I found out I was pregnant with our second child I was overly excited. Because I had gone through this before I was filled with joy to be blessed enough to be able to experience it all again. Never did it ever cross my mind of any hardship. I was the typical person who felt and prayed for those around me who experienced hardship with family, friends and kids. Never did I believe it would be me. Still even today I still have the thoughts like “I couldn’t handle that, I don’t have enough strength for that, I would enter deep depression, I would fail”. I forget every day that I am dealing with it.
Here’s the deal I strongly believe EVERYONE goes through their own sense of difficulty and or hardship. NO ONE says “my life is perfect and I wouldn’t change a single thing”
Whether you’re a mom of 2, a mom of 10, a mom of 1 or a woman who longs to be a mom, life is hard.
My hardship and my advice:
July 15th 2014 my husband and I went in with our 2 year old son to our 20 week ultra sound. We had been looking forward to this day all 20 weeks. We remembered how fun it was with Eli to watch him for so long play with his toes, and move all around. But this was not the case this time. The Tech was very quiet after she got started. She was very peppy and happy when we first met and started talking, but she quickly become silent and no more smiles. After what felt like forever she asked another technician to come in and “confirm” with what she had found. Another 20 very quiet minutes went by. The technicians wouldn’t tell us anything. After they were done we had to meet with the doctor again. When she started to tell us different things, issues they had found they started by sounding small and ok. “his femur is measuring small” (my thought “ok he’s going to be short” haha) “he has a vertebra that’s not matching up with another one” (she assured me this was really ok) then “we can only find one kidney” (this was a little scarier, seemed like a lot of uncertainty with this detail). Then lastly, the gut punch of all that was the ultimate of unknows “he has 3 very large holes in his heart” after hearing this I think we were trying too hard to believe that it was ok that we decided we wouldn’t freak because he still had so much time to grow and develop.
Well between my fluids getting low and having a 2 vessel ambilocal cord my OB decided I needed to start going to a high-risk office. I was getting an ultra sound every appointment and Jonah’s heart was never improving. These were very hard appointments to hear every week that your sons heart is not in good shape. We had discussed that our next step was to meet the cardiologist who would need to do open heart surgery as soon as he was born. Then we got so late into the pregnancy that we had discussion of doing heart surgery on him while he was in utero still. ALL of this was so difficult and so much weight on our shoulders. We didn’t know what to do, we still hadn’t come up with a decision when I went in for my next appointment. On 10/14/2014 (18 days before his due date) I went back in and had another ultrasound. Ready to hear the same thing “your son has 3 very large holes in his heart” this day was different. The tech seemed even more confused than the others. She left and came back several times during the ultrasound. I knew he was still alive, I could feel him moving I watched as she looked at his heart and found no kidney she was confirming everything we already knew. “your cassandra right” she asks me. “I’m not finding any holes in this little guys heart, is that what you have been told in the past?” I don’t think I even answered her I remember feeling SOOO many different emotions. Happy, sadness, and anger, ANGER! I was ANGRY! Why was I so angry, I was so angry. My gut reaction was that someone messed up. I didn’t react in excitement that my amazing, powerful, all knowing God had healed my son (which is what I now know and believe) I needed someone to blame for making me have a horrible scary pregnancy for NOTHING. Eventually I moved past this anger because I had some one on one time to reflect and realize HE WAS HEALED! We believed that God had formed and created our son the way he intended. Just like Psalm 139:13-16 says for you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Jonah was Born 11/01/2014 with NO! I’ll say it again NO! holes in his heart. He was born and I had a successful VBAC and when the doctor laid him on my chest he latched right on and nursed all by himself! Everything was so perfect.
Jonah was cleaned up and given a quick eval with the many doctors awaiting his arrival (just in case). Everything took a quick 180 after that. All I cared about was that he was healthy but I remember this doctor was so direct and cold about the way she presented herself that she made us feel like it was horrible. “your son is probably deaf, in my opinion he cannot hear out of his right ear and there is low chance with the left side as well” Jonah’s face had some major asymmetricalness and the doctor said right off the bat that we needed to see specialist as soon as we can to figure out what Jonah has.
I didn’t care, I remember thinking, let’s just enjoy this moment that our son is with us and not in heart surgery. So, we continued the hospital stay for the next few days and had lots of appointments ahead of us.
Today I am so happy to tell you that Jonah is happy and healthy. I wouldn’t change a thing that has happened because I know that God has healed Jonah and Jonah has an amazing life ahead of him.
Jonah was later diagnosed with what’s called Goldenhar syndrome. Goldenhar Syndrome is a congenital birth defect which involves deformities of the face. It usually affects one side of the face only. Jonah failed his hearing test at the hospital but I was certain it was wrong because he calmed to the sound of our voices and responded to sounds. So, when I went to the hearing test by myself, well that was a bad idea. “Jonah has severe hearing loss; he’s living in a quiet world” I literally broke down crying in front of this stranger and she hugged me and said it was going to be ok.
While my time is deeply consumed with speech therapy, and different hearing impaired classes, with never-ending specialists who want to see Jonah, Eye doctors, his urologist, his ENT and now a facial specialist while trying to still give my 4-year-old some attention, love and respect my husband and worship Jesus Christ I have a hard time not just throwing in the rag.
All of this has been a huge struggle for me and my husband but I know that there are people dealing with much larger struggles and there are women who so desperately want to be in my shoes.
So, my prayer is that all moms and all women who want to be moms can love on each other. We all have our struggles and some are huge, some are minor and some are tiny. BUT in our personal lives everything feels huge.
Feelings play a large role into being a mom. People don’t tend to remember people but they remember the way people make them feel. Make moms feel like they are doing a good job, help us raise our next generation with joy.
I believe we need to remember that God not only gave us this miraculous miracle of a child but God gave your child you.
YOU are God’s gift to your child.
I am a mommy of 2 little boys and a wife of 1 amazing husband! I love natural living and essential oils. Follow my journey here while I navigate life and make fun stuff with Oils!