Our Grievances

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August 25th 2017, a date I will always remember.
​
This was the day our grievances began.

​July 10th I took an at home pregnancy test and was please to see the words "pregnant"
With many conversations and announcements to be planned my husband and our 2 boys were beginning to become overwhelmed with joy at the idea of another little family member.

​I was pregnant, I was exhausted, taking naps with the littles and morning sickness all day long. then these things started getting better, I wasn't that tired anymore and  I for sure wasn't nauseas. I didn't think much about it because at this point I was 9 weeks and I thought well maybe the joyful 2nd trimester was coming early.

​I sit and wonder why do I grieve this so much. why do I cry myself to sleep, why do I long for this person I never knew.
​I never felt the little flutters of a new life, I never had the uncomfortable nights with hiccups that weren't even mine jolting me awake. I never held this tiny new baby in my arms, I never watched their precious little face sleep while I gaze in awe and love over them. but yet I am heart broken, shattered in pieces wondering what did I do and how could I have done it different?

​I went in for my first appointment and to them everything looked great. my HCG levels were high and I hadn't had any cramping or issues. we talked about delivery options and what our pregnancy plans were and I was sent on my way. at the end I begged them for an ultrasound. I wanted to take a cute picture to post on Facebook to announce to all our friends we were expecting baby #3.  there it was we saw our little baby and fell instantly in love with her.

​HER, we told Eli over and over you are probably going to have another brother and he cried and cried, while telling us in the saddest softest response, no mommy its a baby sister. every time.

​August 25th I began to cramp and because my doctor had already told me I was showing signs of a failed pregnancy I knew what was happening. cramp after cramp I realized I was having contractions. this baby was coming.
filled with confusion I questioned, cried and begged God to stop it. I wanted, I needed this baby YOU TOLD ME THE BABY WAS OK
​I knew the Lord had provided me with an over whelming amount of peace and I misunderstood. Our baby is ok, our baby is in the Lords arms and being loved for in heaven. but I wasn't willing to accept that.
​That night after all was done, I finally fell asleep. I dreamt and dreamt all night in a peaceful, lucid state and all I saw was pink roses. pink rose after pink rose and on and on. I felt and knew from that moment the Lord was telling me "I have your baby girl safe in my arms"

​Will I always feel this lonely and or misunderstood, I hope not.

​but as we face this  journey of grievances right now,  I have hope and faith in Christ that we will get through this too.

Psalm 56:3
​But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you