As I prepare to do my devotional this morning I sit and I wonder do I even hear God anymore? am I listening to Him? am I doing one or the other? am I doing both?
why is this so hard!?
Hearing is the ability to perceive sounds or information while Listening is paying attention to what your hearing.
"your not listening to me" I say this to Eli all the time. I know he hears that I am talking with him but I can tell HES NOT LISTENING.
am I doing this to the Lord? can I hear him talking to me but I'm not listening?
YES! I do this more frequently then I would like to admit.
The Lord speaks to us in so many different ways. Through Scripture, He gives us dreams and visions and through other Christ followers. recognizing where he is speaking to me is where I'm having a hard time.
a lot of you know about our recent miscarriage and this has still been one of the harder experiences I've had. I believed whole heartedly that the Lord spoke to me for years that I would have a large family with several little kiddos running around my house. this came to a halting stop when Zach and I didn't agree on a number of kids and he felt done and I did not. when we were on the same page with being ok with having another and this other came along I was over the moon. The Lord was blessing me with what I believed He had said to me.
Long story short I am in a huge doubting phase of whether I can actually hear him? or am I just not listening? am I not paying attention to what I am hearing?
The Lord is not trying to make this difficult for us to hear him, He's screaming at us. He's always helping, talking and showing us! But its our eyes, its our ears and our mouths that are getting in the way. Psalm 23 says " The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his names sake. Even though I walk through the valley of shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
The Lord is always with us and he will always be speaking to us, are we listening?
August 25th 2017, a date I will always remember.
This was the day our grievances began.
July 10th I took an at home pregnancy test and was please to see the words "pregnant"
With many conversations and announcements to be planned my husband and our 2 boys were beginning to become overwhelmed with joy at the idea of another little family member.
I was pregnant, I was exhausted, taking naps with the littles and morning sickness all day long. then these things started getting better, I wasn't that tired anymore and I for sure wasn't nauseas. I didn't think much about it because at this point I was 9 weeks and I thought well maybe the joyful 2nd trimester was coming early.
I sit and wonder why do I grieve this so much. why do I cry myself to sleep, why do I long for this person I never knew.
I never felt the little flutters of a new life, I never had the uncomfortable nights with hiccups that weren't even mine jolting me awake. I never held this tiny new baby in my arms, I never watched their precious little face sleep while I gaze in awe and love over them. but yet I am heart broken, shattered in pieces wondering what did I do and how could I have done it different?
I went in for my first appointment and to them everything looked great. my HCG levels were high and I hadn't had any cramping or issues. we talked about delivery options and what our pregnancy plans were and I was sent on my way. at the end I begged them for an ultrasound. I wanted to take a cute picture to post on Facebook to announce to all our friends we were expecting baby #3. there it was we saw our little baby and fell instantly in love with her.
HER, we told Eli over and over you are probably going to have another brother and he cried and cried, while telling us in the saddest softest response, no mommy its a baby sister. every time.
August 25th I began to cramp and because my doctor had already told me I was showing signs of a failed pregnancy I knew what was happening. cramp after cramp I realized I was having contractions. this baby was coming.
filled with confusion I questioned, cried and begged God to stop it. I wanted, I needed this baby YOU TOLD ME THE BABY WAS OK
I knew the Lord had provided me with an over whelming amount of peace and I misunderstood. Our baby is ok, our baby is in the Lords arms and being loved for in heaven. but I wasn't willing to accept that.
That night after all was done, I finally fell asleep. I dreamt and dreamt all night in a peaceful, lucid state and all I saw was pink roses. pink rose after pink rose and on and on. I felt and knew from that moment the Lord was telling me "I have your baby girl safe in my arms"
Will I always feel this lonely and or misunderstood, I hope not.
but as we face this journey of grievances right now, I have hope and faith in Christ that we will get through this too.
But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you
I am a mommy of 2 little boys and a wife of 1 amazing husband! I love natural living and essential oils. Follow my journey here while I navigate life and make fun stuff with Oils!